Chicago was great. I spent lots of quality time with Brock, watched a lot of musicals and went to the Art Institute, which was amazing aside from the fact that I had some mild panic issues. Nothing compared to my struggles in Ikea, but still, I would have enjoyed it so much more if I had been feeling better.

However, I went to the doctor today, and all my tests came back with amazingly good results. The doctor was really pleased, as was I, because it really helped to ease my mind. My blood pressure was also really good, and I had lost four pounds. The best news of all, however, was that I am going to be able to get my meds for free, so I will be able to stay on them and hopefully leave all this craziness behind me. Or at least make it better. I will be seeing the doctor every week for a bit, I guess, and she is going to try to help me lose weight, for not only my physical well-being, but my mental and emotional well-being. I am really happy about that, though today I ate worse than I had been for a few weeks. I have to keep a food/exercise diary for a week too so as to give her an insight into my normal habits, which is probably why I was less than nutritious today.

Today I felt the best I had in about three weeks, though. You can't put a price on that. :)

Had a major meltdown today. Guess I'm going to have to face facts and go on Lexapro for good.

I've been having trouble for a few weeks, but had been feeling better the last two days. When it came back, it came back with a vengeance. It started over at Amber's, and I was managing, barely. Then she and the baby were taking a nap, and I was feeling tired so I came back home. Okayish at first, tried cleaning the house and getting ready for my trip tomorrow, when suddenly it hit me. Hard.

So I called the health center, and I have to pay a $40 summer fee just to see them, which I seriously cannot afford. To be honest, I can't even afford to go to Chicago tomorrow, but I am still going. I told Gary everything has to be free, because I have no money. Seriously. But I don't want to feel like this all summer long, so I will just have to make do.

Then I was still terrified, so I called my mom. And cried for about half an hour. Ugh. I hate this. I hate that I can't control it. I hate that I am impatient. I hate that I want everything in my life to be better but I can't wait for it to be there and I don't even know what I expect.

I knew this was going to happen. I knew I was getting depressed. I knew I was feeling the way I have felt a hundred times before. And I knew I couldn't control it. But I still hoped that I could. That I could be normal. Fine. OK. Shock, shock.

So off to the health center tomorrow, precious $40 in hand. Hopefully I will get some free meds out of the deal.

Blee. I am leaving for the homelands tomorrow, for a whole week. I am both excited and full of dread. It's always weird the first day or two, and then when I get used to it, it's time to leave. I might end up spending some nights at my brother's house though, which will maybe help break it up. He told me I was more than welcome, and I think he really misses me, and I him, so that will be good. We can play games at night just as in the before times. I have plans to see a few other people while I am there too, which will be nice.

When I return, I will be back for four days and then leave again for Chicago, which admittedly isn't the best of timing because I leave the evening of Amber's birthday, but it was what worked as far as scheduling for Gary and Brock. I just want to be somewhere different for a while, somewhere that isn't Jerseyville and isn't Macomb. I think it's understandable that I would get a sort of cabin fever, being here all the time. Especially since I am not working and sit in my apartment much of the day, which is fine I guess if you are used to it, but isn't if you are not. I don't get how some people can do this day in and day out. All the time. I thought I would welcome it when it came, this lack of responsibility. So, so wrong. However, I also am not too keen on getting a job, because it would likely involve food and/or working with the public, and I never ever ever want to do that again. It's a quandary, I admit.

And obviously I feel guilty about going. Hence all the self-justification.

Also, there is a Wizard Rock concert on June 6th in Galesburg featuring The Whomping Willows, The Moaning Myrtles and Justin Finch-Fletchley. And I have to miss it for my niece's third birthday party. Like that's important. Hee. ;)

So my brother and his wife were in town overnight. I felt like the biggest douche because there is nothing to do in this town. I am not even sure they had a good time, which makes me feel really bad. I mean, I tried to tell them that it sucks here, but I am not sure they got the message. I had an idea to go to the Quad Cities and take them to the John Deere Pavilion, as they are both into that kind of thing, but they decided not to because it closed at five and it was already after noon when they got here, and it would have been another further hour and a half drive just to get there. So instead we had lunch and went to Farm King (a large farm/ranch supply store), then to the candy store in Monmouth, followed by one of the briefest trips through the snooty section of Galesburg ever (where I found a Micro Machines set of the Enterprise 1701-D from Star Trek:TNG with both Klingon and Romulan ships, yesssss). We came back to town and went to the dollar store, and followed that excitement up with a round of mini golf, which was probably the most fun part of the whole experience, sadly. Especially if you saw the mini golf course.

The whole thing made me feel like this town doesn't even try. Like it struggles with its identity--that it rages against being a college town and feeling like it has to cater to that audience, but at the same time, without the college it would be just another small town out here in the middle of nowhere. I don't understand how it can be content to remain this way. I remember when I used to visit here before I moved, and I loved it. Everything was so different from what I was used to. Then I moved here and the shine wore off. The only things worth staying for are my friends and that I love the school. Otherwise... I really don't know if I could stay here for the long run. Maybe I'm just disconcerted by recent events, I'm not sure. But I have that stasis feeling again, and I hate it.

Week one of my fabulous lazy summer break is over, and I am already bored as hell.




Piss it.

How much better was Star Trek from this side of my growing obsession? Oh, only about a million times, because yes, I went to see it again. Now I can pick up on subtleties, and see the significance of little moments, like the first time Spock calls Kirk "Jim" when they are in the Vulcan spacecraft. Or the moment of recognition and realization in the cave when he says "I have been, and always shall be, your friend." Or during the commendation ceremony when they do the cutaway and Spock says "Thrusters on full," and the words mean so much more than that because of all the things that have happened (I don't want to spoil movies for anyone, heh). Needless to say, I cried a lot more during this viewing. But that could have also partially been because I was really tired. Ahem. We followed the new movie up with Star Trek: Generations back at the McCalls', and damned if it also didn't get me a little misty.

Jess loaned me some books, a Star Trek "biography" and the autobiography of George Takei. Karis' parents apparently have more autobiographies and other books, and I ordered I Am Spock today...I'm a woman obsessed! And Jess and I are going to watch the episodes on YouTube, me here and she in Las Vegas, and have a confab every now and then to discuss. Sigh.

At least I will have something to keep me occupied during the summer so I don't go off the deep end again as during Winter break. That was only a few weeks...this time I'm looking at three months. Not that I am complaining, mind you, but that is a pretty long time, and no counseling available.

So the first six Star Trek films have now been watched. Lovelovelovelovelove. To the point where I am thinking "Where have you been all my life?" Maybe not to the point of wearing costumes and having Klingon weddings, but probably to the point of repeated viewings, subsequent discussions, fanfiction plotbunnies and a menagerie of craptastic fan art.

Star Trek IV, talk about high comedy. That movie was great! And at the end of V, when Kirk goes to hug Spock and he says "Jim, not in front of the Klingons," I almost lost it. And in VI, when Starfleet orders them home and Spock says he would tell them to go to Hell and then Kirk quotes Peter Pan, sigh...it's pretty sad that each and every one of them got me to cry at least a little.

I promise to try to get back to regularly scheduled programming soon (ie. my boringness), but for now, let me wallow in my nerdery just a little longer.

Oh...and as silly as it is to admit, beyond my crush on Spock...I might have the slightest wee crush on Leonard Nimoy. Hoo boy. Not in a "he's hot" kind of way, but in a massive amount of respect kind of way. And I also love DeForest Kelley. Karl Urban completely does him justice. Well done, sir. Well done.

I made an amazing discovery yesterday, in that all of the episodes of the original Star Trek series are available on YouTube in their entirety. And are actual YouTube sponsored videos, so there is no danger of them being removed or having to watch each episode in parts.

I also had a wee ST mini-movie-marathon with some friends, where we watched Star Trek: The Motion Picture, Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan and Star Trek III: The Search for Spock, during which my love for Spock increased exponentially. And even though I had seen some of them as a child and knew what happened, it was still like watching them for the first time, and emotions were running high. Subsequently, watching all of these made me want to go back to see the new film again. I had entirely different reactions the second and third time I saw it, and now, with the added background from Khan especially (things Spock says, mannerisms), I know it's going to mean even more.

Hard to believe that in one week I have devolved into ardent Trekkery. I mean, I liked it as a kid, grew up on The Next Generation, but was never a full-blown Trekkie.

I told Jessica that the more time I spend around her family, the geekier I get. But I love it. :)

I just watched the fourth trailer for Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince...if it's even half as good as the trailer makes it look, I am in for an emotional breakdown in the movie theatre.

That is all.